What am I doing?

As I was eating lunch my brain wonders off… to where I do not know. All of the sudden, I start to question myself. What am I doing here.. I am eating this tasteless meal, thinking about how to settle certain issues I am having.. What the hell am I doing??

A decade ago, I remember talking to Eugene about choices in life and my future. Before he left to UK, he told me to set a 3 years and 5 years goal. I did. Did I achieve any of it? Yes, I did, except not having a house of my own and a car of my own.. and yeah.. my degree… Apart from it, I guess I tasted it all. Am I happy? NO, I am not. I am so sure about it.

For more than a decade I had been working my ass off. Being bullied, harassed, blackmail, threaten, disrespected, backstabbed, beaten up etc.. What I get in the end? Apart from hard-earned knowledge and experiences, I am still struggling to put rice on the table.

For years I let it slipped, perhaps I was in my comfort zone, maybe I given up, or I just wanted to enjoy. Now, again I am struggling..

Thinking, what have I been doing all these years… why am I still at the same situation, where I was back years ago, in fact I think I am in even worst condition..

Need time to re-think what I want. What I need. How am I going to achieve it. I still hope someday they will be proud of me of who I am and my achievement.